Actually, this is just the conclusion of the caveman year end (AKA Rear End) movie reviews. This year we manly types didn't have much to choose from in some of our favorite franchises.
In my last review I named this year's Incredible Hulk as topping my list of disappointing movies. Coming in at number two on that list was Guillermo Del Toro's Hell Boy II: The Golden Army. I'm still wondering how a movie franchise which had so much going for it could've gone so wrong. First, there was the stellar cast. Second there was the incredible make-up and sets. Third, there was the special effects team. Fourth, there was the masterful story teller and director, Guillermo Del Toro. And lastly, Del Toro had an incredible story and characters from the previous Hell Boy on which to build the sequal. Yet, for all it had going for it, Hell Boy II is about as exciting as a dirt sandwich. Intimations of just how crummy the movie was going to be were embedded in the opening deckhead underneath Hell Boy's photograph. Apparently someone felt too much needed to be explained…and they did just that. The information was meant to be helpful and cute simultaneously, but it just comes off as cornball with a touch of honey. There was also the very annoying and totally unbelievable scene featuring Hell Boy as, well…a boy, which just didn't work. Many of Hell Boy's one-liners fell flat as well. That's without all the repeat crap we were already exposed to in the first movie. To wit, nothing new is revealed in Hellboy ll, and it lacks the suspenseful story telling of the first installment. It's just a very bad rehash in which too much time is spent on things that don't matter…like the regrettable scene in which Hell Boy and Abe Sapian are reduced to drunken pansies singing Barry Manelow's I Can't Smile Without You. My advice, skip this one for men's night and instead watch it with your boys if you have any. My two younger sons loved it.
That brings me to another Hollywood piece of crap, The Mummy III: Curse of the Dragon Warrior. Again, unlike the previous two Mummy movies, this one has nothing for you if you like both story and humor in the same package. In short, it's the same movie for the third time, but not nearly as entertaining as the first two. To give you an idea of just how bad this latest incarnation of the Mummy is, imagine falling asleep while being chased by an oriental man who is covered with flaming 'smores. That's how bored I was during the chase scenes. And that's pretty much how Jet Li looked as a flaming living statue monster mummy creature. Oh, and did I mention that Rachel Weisz, who plays opposite Brendan Frasier in the first two Mummies was conveniently left out of this latest offering. That's too bad, 'cause she certainly was more fun to watch than her replacement and generated tons more energy with Frasier. Then again, perhaps she saw the script and realized what I'm cluing you into now: The Mummy III sucks out loud.
Finally, the last big disappointment this year (aside from the general election) was Journey to the Center of the Earth. Ultimately unsatisfying as a man flick, Journey gives us the kind of campy sci-fi you can watch with your kids, but which you'd never watch with other adults. While generally likeable, it lacks the things which make it a true knuckle dragger's movie. Don't watch this one guys if you're craving red meat.
Thankfully this year has Gran Torino. Clint Eastwood plays the seemingly last real American man left. If you want a real manly movie watch that.