Kilroy Says… the Earth Fairy left a tree under my pillow!
I planted a tree yesterday. In the cold wind and drizzling rain. Not because I wanted to. Because I had to.
I didn’t have to do it because I believe all this Earth Day nonsense. Nope, my kid brought the tree home from school. So nice of them to give those out during the week, rather than a Friday before the weekend when people have the time for such things.
So there I was, in the cold and rain, getting mud on my boots, picking a spot in our yard to plant our root-balled stick. My daughter had to watch from a window of the house, because it was just too cold and rainy for me to let her tromp around in the mud also.
The whole experience echoes my thoughts on Earth Day quite nicely.
Earth Day is a farce.
Not the idea behind it, the way people “celebrate” it.
Earth Day is supposed to be a day to “inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth’s environment.” That appreciation bit is probably what inspires folks to try and make the Earth a better place. But like most things the left-leaning, tree-hugging, hippy crowd does, they’ve got it all messed up.
Pollution is probably the worst thing affecting the Earth’s environment today. It’s so bad that as Survivorman Les Stroud commented on an episode of his wonderful show, there’s almost nowhere left on the planet that you can’t find man’s garbage. I’m not harping about this because I believe in (manmade) Global Warming. I don’t like seeing garbage. I don’t like stepping in it, I don’t like having to walk around it.
Call me crazy, but when I go outside, I want to breathe fresh air, and see cleanliness. After all, weather is the Earth’s mechanism for cleaning itself.
But what do the hippies do on Earth Day? They plant trees. That’d be great if you could walk to the store to get those trees. But most people drive. They take an extra trip, belching out carbon monoxide that pollutes the air, so they can put a stick in the ground that won’t do much to contribute to fresh air for years.
If we really wanted to cut back on pollution in appreciation for the Earth, we’d all take the day off and sleep in. No school buses taking kids to school. No cars jammed on the expressway shuttling people to busy offices where they consume electricity that has to be generated primarily from coal-burning power plants. No television broadcasts, save for the news, thereby encouraging people to conserve electricity.
We could go a step further. We could skip baths, cutting back on the water that has to be treated from our sewers. We could all sleep in, reducing our own activities, thereby triggering a whole chain reaction of reductions in consumption and pollution.
But what would really help?
We could eat all the cows.
Cows are filthy animals. They fart out voluminous amounts of methane that the Global Warming Melting Cult would have us believe is responsible for a rise in world temperatures. If that were true, we would need to cut back on the cows. Now.
The problem is, cows aren’t going to get slaughtered if there’s no call for their meat. They’ll just be allowed to roam around, grazing, pooping and farting ’till their heart’s content. Getting plump and juicy.
If we really wanted to save the Earth, we’d all eat as much beef as possible on Earth Day. It’d be a Beeforama. Eggs and Steak for breakfast. Burgers for lunch. Steaks for dinner. This massive jump in beef consumption would clean out the supermarkets. The call would go out for replacement meat. More stinky cows would meet their end. In the slaughterhouse.
I know what some of you will say- that I’m creating pollution by cooking those cows. That my carbon footprint will grow to Sasquatchian proportions as I enjoy the savory flavor of some good barbecue. Will it? What about the fact I won’t be going anywhere but outback to the grill and picnic table? No carbon monoxide exhaust from the car. No electricity being used on air conditioning, lights, or TV. Just a day-long picnic of cheeseburgery goodness in the clean air of my backyard.
You want to save the Earth today? Fire up the charcoal grill and start making some burger and steaks. Invite over all your vegetarian friends and tell them it’s time they stopped shirking their duty and helped the planet. It’s time we take back our world from the bloated bovine hoard!
One bite at a time.
Editor’s Note: You can read more pithy commentary on Earth Day by clicking here.
Popularity: 2% [?]
[...] Related commentary: Kilroy says…the Earth Fairy left a tree under my pillow! [...]
Another byproduct of your brilliant and witty plan, Trog, would be a sizable increase in laxative sales:D I keep thinking of Hellboy's comment to the Samaiel, the Hound of Resurrection after he'd just consumed five museum security guards, along with their clothing. I think he said something to the effect of, "You're going to need some serious fiber to move all that out."
If we needed more trees, why is there, every year, at least one major forest fire in the great liberal paradise that is California. The reason, you ask? Because, in California, they "protect" the forests…from what?
Forest fires are nature's way of "thinning" out the overgrowth of forests that have been "overly" protected instead of managed. Why don't we see the hippies camped out in the trees when there is a forest fire? They could cry and hold hands, all the while, lecturing nature about the "fires."
Earth day schmearth day. We don't need more trees, just less hippies!
Don't you mean Kilroy, Chad? You keep getting names wrong, old man!
Don't you mean Kilroy, S?
We can’t eat hippies. Or at least, I don’t want to. And we do need trees- charcoal comes from trees, and any good griller knows you get more flavor in your meat over a charcoal grill than one of those propane burners. Blagh! I know, we force the hippies to labor feeding the cows and making charcoal, then bury them in fields, evenly spaced so their bodies can feed the growth of new trees! Woo-hoo! The Circle of Grilling continues!
There are hippies in this new commenting system! You might want to check your comment, Trog!
Why? If they really loved trees and the Earth, they’d see my logic is irrefutable. Eating cows saves the atmosphere, and trees need fertilizer. What’s the problem?
No, I meant Trog at the time, because I had forgotten about the whole Kilroy thing. But now that you've reminded me, I wish I had remembered and used Kilroy instead. Boy is my face red.
:$
There that's better.
Have you tried hippie meat, Trog? I hear it tastes like spineless chicken
Maybe you should start using sunblock…
Pbbbbt! I wouldn’t feed hippy meat to my dogs- if I had any. I wouldn’t use it for speedbumps. No wait, if it was still alive and kicking, I might just be tempted…Best movie scene ever is from Roger Corman’s movie “Carnosaur” (1993) when a bunch of hippy treehuggers chain themselves to an earthmover as some kind of stupid protest. Along comes a T-rex and eats 'em- cause they are chained down and can’t get away. Almost makes the movie worth watching for that scene alone.
I’ve just got way too much information up top, you know? Maybe it is all too confusing. Now, I can’t figure out why the stupid comments are in a first to last hierarchy instead of a last to first hierarchy. Trying to figure out this and that and whatnot. Maybe it’s better to just go back to the old way of doing things before, you know…my head explodes. I know one thing; I’m not getting very much done today. CURSES!
Not to be a sarcastic azz, but maybe it would be better to teach the child when to plant the tree (for the tree's best benefit) instead of to adhere to all the BS said child receives from his/her so-called peers. Main reason my 20 year old daughter voted NOBAMA!!!! Proud papa I am.
Ron, you know the "experts" have been saying for awhile now that Cali is to fall off the coast…..we just need a BIG fire to spark one of those Big Quakes.
Imagine the "firestorm" from here as their own Miss Cali enlightened us with her anti-gay-marriage remarks (thus ultimately anti-Cali). Is this enough to call the wrath of Geb and release us from the tyranny of such a seceded State ? Yeah right, in today's society it's just more protest and political maneuvering……….besides………..
I wonder if Al Spore really plants a tree ? I am sure Pelosi doesn't but prob pays to have one done…………oops, will the media show up……..they are the fertilizer , you know.
Dave,
Good to see you in the arena again.
You are so right. Fertilizer, PaynoPelosi, and Al de la mancha Spore. Throw 'em together and what do you get? A bunch of B.S.
Can I get an amen?
I love BBQ food too but I now avoid barbeque-ing with charcoal. The fumes (from charcoal) that land on the bbq-ed food is carcinogenic (cancer-causing).
WHAT?! Carcinogenic Charcoal? Are you sure this isn’t just another bran muffin-esque scare tactic by the evil Propane Conglomerates? Man, if Charcoal is carcinogenic, I’m screwed. Ah, well, too late to save me now. Maybe they can bury me with my Weber?