How To Beat A Conservative In An Argument
How to beat a conservative in an argument.
1. Don’t play by the rules.
Conservatives like using standard rules of engagement when it comes to debating. They expect you to make an assertion followed by a well reasoned argument to support the assertion, and they expect equal time. They will actually listen while you talk. When you’ve finished, they expect you to return the favor. Don’t do it. Instead, have your say, feeling free to embellish where necessary. But when your conservative friend starts talking, see that you interrupt him and do it often. Don’t ever let him finish his thought. Be rude! This keeps him off balance and you firmly in the driver’s seat. Your credo, “Strike hard! Strike fast! No mercy sir!”
2. Don’t ever engage or otherwise directly address their arguments
Conservatives like to use logic, reason and facts in order to win the debate. Your strategy, never, and I mean never reason with them in a linear, step by step fashion. Never agree with them either, especially when they use factual information. A favorite opening hook used by this breed is, “Would you agree that…” This is usually a simple question with a common sense answer. Even if by chance you do happen to agree with your conservative friend’s premise, don’t yield to the temptation to answer in the affirmative. The moment you do, you might as well throw in the towel. Conservatives will then argue quite convincingly from the premise you just agreed to—using your own words against you to make their point. Instead, tap dance around the argument. You may even use some of the same lingo as your conservative opponent, but pour your own meanings into the terms. This positively drives them bananas.
3. Change the subject.
The first time I tried this on a die hard conservative, his eyes rolled back in his head and he keeled over. This is because a conservative’s primary epistemology comes by way of three elements: causality, logic, and the basic reliability of sensory perception. They aren’t prepared for people who get most of their information through television. While there is an up side, the down side is TV has contributed to a higher degree of Attention Deficit Disorder in liberals than in the general population. Equally, the high incidence of A.D.D. has caused most in our camp to be myopic concerning social policy. But that’s not the point; your goal is to win the argument. Do so by making the most of your handicap. Then watch your conservative friends hit the deck. It’s a hoot.
4. Yell and scream. Otherwise known as: “raising your voice when you should be strengthening your argument.”
A conservative's stoic approach to arguing comes from knowing that pure emotionalism yields chaos in the real world. And their ability to argue dispassionately is legendary. This is due in part to well developed frontal lobes—the section of the brain, which governs critical thinking skills. This clearly gives them the advantage in the intellectual arena. However, raising your voice a few decibels often disrupts the resonant frequencies of their gray matter. This harmonic disturbance can also be strengthened by pitch shifting or raising your voice an octave or so.
5. Ad hominem arguments
When arguing a point, conservatives expect you to treat them as they treat you…with respect. Their arguments will never become ad hominem unless the assertions they are making have direct bearing on the subject at hand. In this case and in general, conservatives' sense of fair play is their undoing. So they are always blindsided by this tack. Your strategy is to keep them off balance by attacking their character. Be sure to use labels like “bigot” and “homophobe.” Call them “narrow minded” and “intolerant.” Accuse them of having ulterior motives. Call them “disingenuous” and “hypocritical.” These last two terms in particular are staples of our name calling strategy.
6. Reframe any argument as religion vs. (fill in the blank). Need I say more?
7. Use your stature or lack thereof to intimidate your opponent.
I have seen this strategy used effectively in a couple of different ways. For starters, if you are bigger, you can use your superior size to scare your opponent. This works especially well if you use threatening tones and a lot of hand wringing or fist clenching. On the other hand, if you are small in stature compared to your opponent, you can accuse him or her of being biased against short people. If you are a minority, you can couple this strategy with rule # 5—calling them “racist”, etc. You get the idea.
8. Lie
Only use this tactic as a last resort. You’ll find it usually works when nothing else will, particularly when used in conjunction with tears or oscillating between tears and rule number 4. Once again, conservatives expect your facts to be accurate (theirs are). As Goebel allegedly said, “a lie moves in proportion to its size.” So don’t just lie, lie big. Besides, people in general have an uncanny ability to believe the most august nonsense. Even if your opponent calls you out, chances are if you really sell your story most people will believe you, and you will win in the court of public opinion. Remember, in politics it’s not whether you tell the truth, it’s how many people believe you.
Leave a Reply