Politics is a very complex subject, and requires extensive explanation before full understanding can be achieved. The first step toward total comprehension is to first "identify" and then subsequently "eliminate" all political myths generated over the last 230+ years. Once we can (say it with me) "identify" and "eliminate" these myths you will become much closer to attaining the knowledge and skills necessary to transform yourself into a master politician.

Myth #1: "The founding fathers were common hardworking men that were looking out for common people.”

This is an easy one. The founding fathers may have fought for independence from England under the guise of individual rights and liberties, but it is well documented that they were really just creating jobs for themselves. After establishing the U.S., they all immediately left their farms and plantations to go live off of the taxpayers' money.

Myth #2: "The founding fathers wanted limited government."

Anyone with a fifth grade education can clearly see that the intrusiveness of the British government was exactly what our fore-fathers wanted to emulate here in America. Government regulation was the center-piece of the U.S. Constitution. However, our founding fathers simply wanted to tell everyone how to live their lives instead of the British politicians.

Myth #3: "The founding fathers thought average Americans should be able to own and carry guns."

This one is based on a common misinterpretation of language. The problem stems from the vast difference in dialect. Because of modern syntax, the true meaning is often skewed. When it was written, "the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." "Keep" and "bear Arms" are two separate ideas. A "keep" is the central tower in a castle, which was the domicile of choice in early America. Also, they were merely stating a citizen's right to possess the front limbs of a large Ursoidaen Mammal, or the "bear." Any good liberal university would be quick to point out and correct this classic faux pas.

Myth #4: "Every American should be able to 'reap what they sew.'"

This one is tricky. If you aren't on your toes you can easily be fooled, because some people "sew" more than others. For instance, it would seem that if person "A" saved and invested a large portion of their income, they should be able to "reap" the resulting benefits. And likewise if person "B" spent all of their money on drugs and cars they didn't need, they should accept responsibility for their actions. On the surface, this appears to be a strong argument, however person "B" will inevitably need more drugs and bigger cars over time. And since person "A" has more money, simply taking the "extra" money from person "A" and giving it to person "B" will actually help to make things more even. Plus, there are more "B" type people, which translates into more votes.

Now that we have (say it with me) "identified" and "eliminated" some basic political myths, let's now visit ways we can apply these principles.

1. “Honesty” is crucial, and should always be a top priority. Telling the truth will almost always get you into trouble. So, be sure to avoid the truth as much as possible. In fact, purposely twist your opponents' words to mean something really bad, so as to diminish their credibility.

2. Be very careful “what you say.” Saying the wrong thing can devastate your entire campaign. Remember, take a second to figure out what certain people want to hear, and then simply say that. Your statements can vary depending on whom you are addressing at the time, but always try to be as vague as possible so that at some later point you can effectively claim to have meant something different.

3. “Finger-pointing” is always the best defense. If anything bad happens, simply blame the opposing party and its surrogates for the consequences, even if it is an act of God. Remember to apply 1 and 2 when using this tactic.

4. Finally, “repetition” is your best friend. When applying any of these principles, be sure to reinforce your statements as often as possible. To achieve the greatest efficiency, have many different people saying the same things and often. Sometimes, you may need to do this for a few years to ensure that the majority of Americans will not remember what the truth was in the first place.

Okay, great! We have just launched your political career! Now, you will need to go find an obscure place to “try out” your new skills. I would suggest an area where you can later abate your decisions by simply demeaning your constituents. Good luck, and master these skills so we can move to the next step!