Category: Christianity
THOR’S DAY RANT: The Earth is NOT Your Mother
Written by Troglodad
Thursday, 22 April 2010 09:31
6 Comments

Well, here we are again: Earth Day. When a bunch of tree-hugging imbeciles suffering from Cosmic Napolean Complexes showcase their delusions of global-impacting grandeur.

Hey, Hippies, if you want to skip baths, stroll around barefoot and smoke weed while looking for trees (or whales) to hump, that's fine. But stop trying to convince me it will amount to anything. Moreover, please stop declaring our planet "Mother Earth". Did the Earth uncomfortably carry you around for nine months, then go through intense pain to squeeze you out an opening that on first inspection seemed woefully small for the task?

Do you call your house, Mother House? Do you call you state, Mother State? Just because you live on this planet (and trust me, I am not thrilled about you being here) doesn't make the Earth your parent. I'd bet money if the Earth were a living thing (instead of being covered with them) it would be quite embarrassed by you. It wouldn't put your picture out for the other planets to see. It wouldn't brag about you at galactic bingo. It'd talk about your successful corporate brother- the one with the big Audi, expensive suits and key to the executive washroom.

Stop calling it "Mother Earth". It's an insult to your own mother. Who has her own holiday.

I refuse to celebrate "Earth Day". Instead, I'm going to celebrate "Jelly Bean Day". Makes more sense.

Don't get me wrong, I live here on the Earth, and like the crying indian of the '70s, I'm all against pollution. Because I don't like to see or smell it. But I fully realize that we humans are about as threatening to the earth as a grain of sand is to the moon.

Think about it- assuming you can put down the weed long enough for your brain cells to fire up again. The Earth is 12,000 miles in diameter. It is believed to weigh 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg. I say believed, because there isn't a scale big enough to really weigh the Earth.

In comparison, the average human is between 5 and 6 feet tall- basically 1/1000 of a mile. The average human weighs between 54 and 73 kg. Assuming the numbers are right, there are 6,816,300,000 people in the world. That's about 436,243,200,000 kg (average weight of 64 kg X population). Or 1/13,693,279,355,099 of the Earth's mass. That's right. All of mankind is about 13 trillionths the size of Earth. But we can affect the Earth. Riiiiiiiight.

Let's hold off on the argument about whether people can affect the Earth for a minute. Let's look at some other hippie causes in the past.

Communism. Karl Marx invented it- the preferred hippy form of government, where everyone is treated equally, no one is expected to excel, and no one gets to own anything. The Russians put it to practical use- forming the Soviet Union. I'm sorry, the FORMER Soviet Union. Hitler tried using the watered-down form of socialism, Nazism. Didn't work so swell for him, or Germany, either. B. Hussein Obama is trying Socialism in the U.S. right now. And his approval rating is plummeting daily.

Saving the rainforest. Funny how in the 1970s, they were predicting Brazil would be a desert by now. Funnier still that archaeologists have since discovered that the Amazon wasn't always a thick jungle. There was actually a civilization there with canals, roads and huge tracts of clear cut areas for farming.

Saving the Whales. Spend boo-coo bucks on an Earth-friendly ship and try to use it to block Japanese whalers. Result: the whalers rammed the boat, knocking a large portion of it off and sinking it. Whaling continues. And so do the whales, coincidentally.

See, the hippy track record just doesn't impress me. There are no successes. And since I know the Earth isn't my mother- more of where I keep my stuff- I'm not too concerned about going green. In fact, my answer to all this Earth Day nonsense is:

Revelations 21:1 "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea."

That's right- the ultimate recycling. After Judgement Day, God is going to recycle the Earth, providing us a fresh, new clean, and hopefully, hippy-free world to live on.

So hippies, have some Jelly Beans and shut up allready.

 
Don’t be Blue it’s St. Patrick’s Day!
Written by Troglodad
Wednesday, 17 March 2010 09:30
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Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all! If you aren't Irish, don't despair- you can still celebrate this Christian holiday!

And while I'm at it, I thought I'd mention the origins of this holiday- beyond the obvious Irish heritage that is. I noticed this morning, that my local station mentioned that St. Patrick died, but omitted any of the religious significance of the holiday.

When I was a child, I thought St. Patrick was just some magical guy who hated snakes- my grandmother kept a painting of him hanging in her house (years later I found out because her maiden name was McCracken, and her grandfather had been born in Ireland). But St. Patrick really is someone to be remembered- not for driving out snakes- but for his service to his fellow man.

The story goes that as a youth, St. Patrick was kidnapped from Roman-occupied Britain by Irish brigands, and taken to Ireland. God appeared to him in a dream and told him to flee his captors and run for the coast. A boat would then pick him up and take him home. St. Patrick did as he had been told, and sure enough, the boat was there and he was reunited with his family.

Now, you'd think someone who'd experienced something like this would never want anything to do with the Irish again- except maybe using them for target practice. But St. Patrick one day did return to Ireland- where he preached the message of salvation through Christ. St. Patrick even is credited with using the shamrock to explain the trinity (three-are-one) to the Irish. Others would follow in St. Patrick's footsteps, preaching the Gospel to the heathens, but it is St. Patrick whom the Irish credit with their Christian salvation.

Sadly, instead of celebrating St. Patrick's devotion to Christ, and willingness to put aside wrongs done to him, we instead use the holiday as an excuse to drink green beer and pinch people not wearing the right color.

But you can change that. If St. Patrick was able to heed Christ's message of forgiveness and return to the land of his captors, surely on this day in March you can do some good as well. Like witnessing your devotion to Christ, or forgiving a transgression against you.

 
Savor the Season- Don’t Inhale the Holidays
Written by Troglodad
Monday, 07 December 2009 14:38
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People annoy me. I know that's not a very Christian way to be- especially at this time of year- but I just can't seem to shake it.

Take for instance, just a few moments ago. On the elevator. I'm in the basement at work, waiting for an elevator to haul my butt back upstairs. Oh, sure, I took the stairs down, but gravity was working with me. I wanted to laugh in the face of Global Warmers and make a big carbon footprint and ride the electric elevator back to my point of origin.

Ding! The doors opened, and there's like 6 damned people in the elevator. None of whom step out. These lazy bastards not only couldn't take the stairs, but they couldn't be bothered to wait for an elevator going up. No they had to all crowd into the elevator going down- leaving no room for me to ride it up. They couldn't wait a few minutes for the next elevator.

It's shit like that that drives me crazy.

You'd think that at this time of year- the Christmas season- people could behave better. I mean, we are supposed to be celebrating the fact we don't have to burn offerings, do nothing on the Sabbath or otherwise follow Jewish tradition to stay out of Hell. Jesus Christ was born to offer mankind an easy way to live forever.

But no.

Instead of being grateful and celebrating Jesus' bithday, everyone has to rush around, with no damn manners, caring only about themselves. They steal parking spaces. They crowd aisles in stores. They're jerks on the phone. You know, I realize that's how you people are year-round, but could you for one f*cking month behave civilized?

This is the season for "Goodwill to men". When we are supposed to be neighborly and nice and enjoy ourselves. People can do it at drunken New Year's Eve parties, so why not for the Christmas season?

I could see it if you didn't believe in Christ or Christmas. You know, if you didn't put lights on your house, or buy presents or otherwise celebrate the day. But when you do celebrate Christmas- even in your own, twisted, heathen way- why do you want it to be over so quick?

Why must people suck the holiday down, rushing around, as though they were gulping down breakfast on their way to work when running late?

Enjoy the holiday, you dumbasses. Take your time. Savor this time of year. Don't race through parking lots on your way to a discount. Don't stress. Just chill, and relax. Pretend you're a hippy or something.

Every year, the day after Christmas, my wife starts harping about taking down decorations. I counter that the Three Wisemen didn't travel across the frickin' world, throw some presents at Baby Jesus' feet and say "See ya later". No they stuck around, they celebrated. They weren't in any hurry to leave.

That same lesson should hold true for the whole month. Kids seem to grasp this simple concept. They love the whole christmas season. Every day of it. And since we all started out as kids, there's no reason why we can't continue that tradition.

So chew your holiday slower- it'll last longer.