I did it my way. Just when the warming hysteria was picking up steam four or five years ago, I was busy labeling it hooey, and I did it based on no evidence. I didn't need any. It was up to the poli-scis to provide the evidence. And they hadn't. In fact, they still haven't. Not one thing you've heard about the "reality" of "global warming," CO2, or Al Gore stands up to either scientific scrutiny or the rules of evidence. Gore himself is actually a little troll inside a puffy plastic blowup doll.

Lately, you may be hearing stories about how the world hasn't warmed in a decade and that a cooling trend is just over the horizon. To me, this is bad news, and not because whether it's hot or cold, warm-mongers will claim it's due to "global warming." It's because I want the planet to warm those 8T degrees. For the uninformed, that's not modern slang for "80," it's Degrees Turner, and I want to see us warm up those degrees The Mouth of the South promised because:

A) We need the warmth, and…

2) That still won't prove any of the warming is anthropogenic (I'll pause while liberals look that up).

And since the rest of you have been good enough to follow my reasoning this far, here's a…

Bonus: If Ted Turner's right, I'd pay good money to see life imitate the picture he painted, wouldn't you? I mean, most of the people on Earth dead, and the rest eating each other, and not for fun and pleasure like we do now? If you made a movie about that, no one would believe it and the reviews would be terrible. And if you think the real estate market's bad now, imagine LA with three million homes and two million of them vacant!? It would pretty much kill flipping as we know it.

In other words, I want to beat these so-called scientists at their own game… er… scam. I want warming theoreticians to collapse under their own weight (they're all fat, you know), so if the climate cools, that settles nothing. These hotshots will still be watching and waiting for their next opportunity to profit from fear.

Gorecarthyism ought to be more than enough right now for people to turn a blind ear to the dirtbags.. oh, and by the way, they'll still be dirtbags even if they turn out to be right, because science is built on skepticism and debate, and they want none of that. But consensus is meaningless to the true scientist, since all it takes is for one person's discovery to upset the whole Apple Cart Theory.

You know that one, I heard it on Jeopardy; it's about how when a cart collapses under the weight of too many fruits, it's mathematically possible for at least one apple to fall up. Of course, when that actually happens, they'll need a new term since it's semantically impossible for something to fall anywhere but down, at least in the Northern Hemisphere.

So let's not be thrilled that temperatures worldwide might be decreasing, because cold cills… I mean, chills, and that's all it will do to warming blather – chill it, when what's really required is absolute zero.

If the world cools, the only satisfaction we'll get is that then we can make our own documentary showing scientists floating on ice slabs of the Bahamas, and polar bears standing onshore laughing at them. And if you ask me how they got on those ice floes in the first place, I won't know a thing.

Editor's Note: The image of Al Gore clutching his Oscar is courtesy of MTW Contributor T.R. Oglodad.