By Ted West
MTW contributing writer

Did one of you mugs tell HP I was saying bad things about them?

Yesterday, I almost bought two new Dell Computers but the deal fell through at the last second when the salesman wouldn't throw in a stinkin' twenty dollar media card reader.

I might have caved and gone through with the deal anyway were it not for the fact that late last night I came across a great deal from HP in the form of a $300 off coupon for any purchase $949 and above.

So I took the time at 2am to configure my new computer with an Intel chip and proceeded to checkout. After applying the coupon the total was $793 with tax. I was gonna hit the "submit" button when I thought, "Gee, maybe the little woman would like one of these too?"

And thinking that she might not be that thrilled with me waking her up to answer that question, I left the deal in my cart and went to bed. The coupon was good for five days, so there was no rush.

Any idea yet where this is going?

Well, I was back up at 7am, the wife was indeed thrilled, and so I was dyin' to spend some bucks. One small problem… I discovered that there was a similarly configured computer with a slightly less expensive AMD chip that would allow me to get a 20 inch monitor for the same price. And both the Intel and the AMD came with a TV tuner card and PVR.

Dude, you're not gettin' a Dell!

"Scramble me two Athlons, heavy on the memory, hold the modem… uh… and the toner, please."

We were ready to go for the deal…

HP wasn't.

So I figured that maybe it was something about the AMD package. No problem, we'd take the Intel and the nineteen inch monitor. What's an inch, anyway, right girls?

Nope. HP wasn't buying… er… selling that either now.

It turns out that unbeknownst to me… and you, it doesn't matter that the coupon expires five days from now if HP decides it doesn't want to honor any more of them eight hours after they were issued. And they aren't even gonna tell you when they're cutting things off. You find that out by being turned away like a dog in the street.

All told, I spent three and a half hours figuring and pleading during four complaint calls to customer service, and all I have to show for it is… this lousy survey they asked me to take.

Oh, I should mention, one guy did offer to take off one sixth of the original $300. Such a deal.

At the end of the survey, a computer voice said that a real voice would call me back within one day. The problem now is, even if they are willing to give me my coupons (which I ain't holding my breath since there's no HP printer in the room), I'm going to require something that indicates they appreciate the amount of unnecessary time and effort I've expended on this.

From long experience, I can tell you that great companies do that. So check back here early and often.