Category: humor
Walking Your Dog- Good ownership, or Animal Cruelty?

I recently got into an argument over the issue of walking my dog. I have a "border-aussie", a Border collie-australian shepherd mix we bought from a shelter. I don't use the term "rescue" because I wasn't out to save any dog, I was saving money by getting an unwanted dog, instead of one with "papers".

Turns out, I got a great deal. My dog, now a year old, is incredibly smart. And very good with my kids. The idiots at the shelter thought she was blind (see "ghost eyes" and australian shepherds) and deaf. She may have hearing loss in one ear, but she responds to commands. She loves going outside and has killed one naughty rabbit so far. My only complaint about this dog in fact, is that she follows me around everywhere, chews/slobbers on me all the time and is otherwise a canine groupie. And I'm told I should be grateful for all that attention.

Anyways, I bought the dog because the wife and kids wanted a little pampered furball to play with. I wanted a dog to scare away all the varmints that keep coming onto my property from the former-farm and wooded area behind us (neighborhood in front of us, wild area behind us). We get coons and possums that root in the trash making a horrible mess on my carport. We get squirrels that chew holes in the plastic lids of the garbage cans. We get birds crapping everywhere. We get rabbits that killed my arbor day tree last year by gnawing the leaves off. We see deer and foxes prowling outside our backfence. And we get feral wild cats crapping in our flower beds.

Since the neighbor to my left had three dogs for ten years that barked nonstop, and the people across the street had multiple barking dogs, I didn't think there'd be any problem with getting a dog myself. But now, almost a year later, one of my neighbors doesn't like my dog barking.

The dog behavior websites offer up some strange ideas for quieting my dog. For one, they all insist she's bored. Funny how when I look outside, I see her barking at birds, squirrels or cats, and that she quits when they go away. Sounds "territorial" to me.

The dog sites further claim that I should "crate" my dog all day, so the neighbors don't have to hear her barking. Crating is where you lock your dog in a cage that's barely big enough for them to turn around in (it's small to make them feel safe). Kinda of like a doggy prison. Then you hire a dog walker to come over three times daily to let your dog out to stretch it's legs.

What?!

Can you imagine if people treated their children that way? I'm no animal rights nut- I firmly believe dogs are property and not sentient beings. But lock them in a little cage all day? That's crazy.

When I was a kid, dogs spent all day in the yard. They had dog houses and shade trees. They didn't have toys. They had sticks, and any occasional wildlife that wandered into range. Farm dogs had it even better, wandering around wherever they damn well pleased, and maybe coming home for dinner.

The dog websites also advocate dog walking. Again, I have to look to my childhood. Walking the dog was what you did when you lived in an apartment or didn't have a fenced-in backyard. You took your dog outside, maybe on a leash, so it could crap and stretch it's legs. If you had a yard, you let it do it's own thing when it wanted. When I proposed this theory on one site, pointing out that wolves and coyotes don't get taken for walks and seem to do just fine, I was told that they get to roam miles and miles.

Hey, my collie runs circles around the yard. She ain't sittin' in one spot all day long.

Again, I have to compare this to kids. Primarily because it always irritates me when animal nuts go on and on about rescuing dogs but never work to feed or clothe children. I don't walk my kids. Oh, sure, I take them to the store and make them walk. I take them to the zoo and walk them around or sometimes take them to a park. But I don't walk around the neighborhood like a busy-body, dragging my kids with me. They have a yard they can play in- with a swing even. Not to mention, they'd rather be inside watching Spongebob or playing video games. Or reading a book.

Is it cruel I don't take my kids for walks? Maybe if I did, they'd be too tired to misbehave. That's one theory behind dog-walking. A tired dog is a good dog.

How can people who think their dogs are more important than people treat them so poorly? Locking them in solitary confinement all day, then dragging them around on a leash in the evening? How is it not cruelty to wear a dog out so that it is incapable of playing? Not feeding them produces the same results, and it's considered cruel.

Moreover, I want someone to explain to me how "letting" my dog bark is rude to my neighbors. I have to listen to kids yelling and birds singing. How rude. I have to listen to loud music from my neighbors' guests. How rude. If only there was some ultrasonic device I could hang outside my house, disguised as a bird house or some other innocuous-looking object, that would emit painful auditory pulses when my neighbors or the birds were being rude. I mean, they make them like that for dogs, so why not people?

I guess to be a "good dog owner" I need to lock my dog in a hamster cage, all day long, then drag her by the throat around the neighborhood, keeping her muzzeled to prevent her noise-making, while bombarding her ears with an ultrasonic dog whistle.

Yeah, that's humane.

 
THOR’s Day Rant: Does Anyone Really Win?

I’m a sucker for online contests. I enter them all the time. Despite the fact I never win anything. And every time I lose, even though I fully expected it, I get mad. Then I begin to wonder- was any prize really given out?

My obsession with drawings started back in the 1980s, when a local car parts store was giving away a brand new Ford Ranger pickup truck. Entries were accepted at the store, by filling out a slip and putting it in a box, or by writing your information on a 3×5 business card. I opted for the latter. 658 times.

Yes, I actually sat at home and filled out 658 entries. I took them to the store and dropped them into the box slot in packs of 30 or so. It took awhile.

Looking back on it, I see that it was a colossal waste of time. More than likely, when that box was emptied, someone saw all those cards, probably stuck together, and took a bunch out.

After years of losing in virtually every contest I ever entered, I was about to give up when I stumbled across online entries. Lots of them. Never again would I have to hand write hundreds of entries. Better still, a lot of the contests have grand, first and second prizes.

And while I could be one of a hundred owners of a free t-shirt, there have been some pretty good grand prizes to lure me in. I particularly was interested in the special-edition Corvette given away as a Speed Racer (the movie) promotion. I knew I wouldn’t win- not even a poster- but I was really interested in seeing more pictures of the car. I was very crushed when I neither won nor was able to find anything out about the car.

You’d think that after all these years, I wouldn’t be disappointed when I fail to win a contest. But I am. One of the most disappointing was at Engadget.com. Instead of randomly drawing entries to determine a winner, they had a contest where you took a picture of your broke-down entertainment system. The most pathetic excuse for a home theater won a brand-spanking new home theater. I took my picture of my actual lame-o basement set up, titled "Daddy's 2×4 theater" and sent it in. I didn’t win.

In the Engadget case, I got to see the winner’s entry, but I waited and expected to see the winner send in a photo of the new stuff  once it was up and running. If I couldn’t win, at least I could live vicariously, ever-so-briefly, through their good fortune. And since they had the ability to send a picture in to enter the contest, it shouldn’t be too hard to send in an update.

But no.

In fact, it seems pretty near impossible to find any stories online of winners proudly displaying their loot. There are websites telling us poor schmucks how awful it is to win the lottery- showing the bad luck that has befallen lotto winners. But I can’t seem to find any sites sharing the goodness of a lucky win.

Why?

Especially in the case of contests where you have to send in an entry- how damn hard would it be to send in a thank you note later, maybe with a picture or two? People write reviews of products they buy, why not something you got for free? You’d think in all the thousands upon thousands of contests run year round, there would be somebody who would want to share.

This makes me wonder- is anyone really winning? I know most contests let you send off for a list of winners names. But that's just a name. I could get names out of a phone book.  I want to hear from the winner. I want a frickin’ testimonial about how great the prize they beat me out of is. Is that so much to ask? I’m not going to be mad at the winner. And I’m not asking them to post their address so some burglars can come clean them out. I just want something to pick me up out of the funk of losing.

Take Burn Notice’s annual contest. This great spy show on the USA network has given away 2 Saab convertibles now. You know, if I ever won a frickin’ car, I’d take a blue-million pictures of it. I’d pose the car to match scenes from the show. I’d do a whole virtual tour of the thing. Not to brag, but to share the fun of having won something.

Maybe it’s because I’m a giver. Literally. The only thing I have ever won in my life was an autographed basketball. It was at a charity event at Indiana University Southeast. I won a basketball signed by Bobby Knight and the whole IU coaching staff from that year. Ironically, I don’t like basketball.

That basketball sat in my closet, went with me all the way to Germany when I was stationed overseas. I didn’t display it or anything, I just liked keeping it around because it’s the only time I’ve ever won anything. But one day, I was talking with a friend of mine, and he was mentioning how he wished he could have bought one of the pieces of the IU basketball court when they redid it. Here was a diehard IU fan, who regularly wore IU logos, never missed a game, and absolutely loved the sport. He didn’t have a autographed basketball.

So I gave him mine.

Now, if I can give away the only damn thing I’ve ever won, can’t you ingrates that win prizes in online contests at least have the courtesy to share a word or two about your good luck? Can’t you help make the rest of us feel good for you, instead of moping that we lost, AGAIN?

I’m starting to think most of these contests are all a bunch of hooey. Like the guest questionnaires stores like Target and Home Depot put on the bottom of their receipts. Answer some questions and get entered in a chance to win a shopping spree. Yeah. Right. Show me someone who has actually won.

I’d give up at this point, but like any addiction, I can’t shake it. I just keep entering these stupid contests. And losing.

 
THOR’s Day Rant: HOLD THE SALAD!

It started out as one of those really bad Mondays. The kind where you oversleep, the kids have some crisis, and you are out of sync the rest of the day. And it keeps getting worse. By dinner time, I was in a pretty foul mood. I decided to splurge and just get dinner out. We went to Wendy’s.

Now, I know that recently I announced my break up with Wendy. But the kids still like her and while Five Guys does a better burger, they don’t have a drive thru. So Wendy got $27 of my hard-earned cash. Me, the wife and kids got frosties, burgers, chicken nuggets and fries. Or so I thought.

I’m not a salad guy. I don’t like bunny food. If something is green, I generally avoid it. For me, potatoes and rice are vegetables. And tomatoes need to be ground up and served in processed form, like ketchup.

When I order a burger, I am very specific about what I want on it. Cheese. That’s it. Nothing else. In fast food world, this equates to me ordering a "plain" cheeseburger. I feel that catsup, mustard or any other topping (except for maybe bacon) dilutes the bovine goodness of a burger. I don’t want a mouthful of conflicting flavors. I want a steak on a bun, ground up so it’s easier to chew. I don’t want a hand-held salad.

At Wendy’s, this is generally not a problem as they make each burger to order. There aren’t racks of pre-made singles and doubles "with the works" sitting under a heat lamp. You have to tell them what you want on your burger — like lettuce, or "everything." So when I order a plain cheeseburger, there shouldn’t be any problem. At Wendy’s, the "plain" is actually redundant, because if I just say I’ll have a "double with cheese," all I should get is two buns, two patties and a mess of melted cheese.

Not this past Monday.

Nope, we get home and start divvying out the food — setting the kids up with plates. McDonald’s plates —   it’s a sick joke I like to engage in, as I’m not overly fond of McDonald’s (kind of like putting pearls on a hog, or however that saying goes).

When I get to my burger — my frosty and fries waiting for the third member of their perfect trio — I get a leafy, green surprise. My burger has been tainted by vegetables. All of them. That’s right, my "plain" burger is now adorned with a full-fledged salad, oozing chlorophyll and insecticides all over that delicious, greasy patty.

I pretty much lost it. I mean, I was already in a bad mood. But that just set me right over the edge. Were I mentally ill, I probably would have driven back to Wendy’s, tied the burger to a concrete block and heaved it through one of their windows.

I REALLY don’t like salad.

And why is that so odd? Why is it that when I go to a restaurant, order a steak, and tell them to hold the salad, they look at me funny? Or when I order a burger and tell them I don’t want any vegetables, even on my plate? Why is that so difficult a request to accept?

When I get an Outback burger, and it’s accompanied by a big nasty pickle (my most hated of vegetables), I just about lose my appetite. The nasty pickle juice has invariably leaked out on the plate, soaking into some fries and into the bun. The meal is ruined.

If I were allergic to onions, and ordered an onion-free meal, would I get strange looks? No. If I were one of those cumbaya-singing, hemp-wearing, tree-hugging, Obama-voting vegetarian hippies, and ordered some free-range greens, would I get contempt from the waitress? No.

What the hell is the problem with me not wanting vegetables?

Babies don’t like vegetables. Let’s face it, they’re an acquired taste. Given a choice, any child would pick candy over veggies. Why then do we have such a fixation on forcing people to eat vegetables?

When I order something plain, it takes less work to serve it that way than it does to layer on the bunny food. Is the cook trying to impose their twisted chlorophyllous obsession on me? Are they so retarded they don’t know what the word "plain" means? Are they Mexican, and can’t speaky the English at all? (See the reaction you get at a Taco Bell when you order a Taco with just meat and cheese)

I’ve made it to 41, and don’t have high cholesterol. Stop hating my meat-and-cheese lifestyle. I shouldn’t have to scrape the ketchup and mustard off my burger’s buns. I shouldn’t have to pick out pickle-soaked fries and use a napkin to blot up that nasty pickle juice off the plate. And God help you when I forget to check my burger first and bite into onions and lettuce when I should be tasting well-done cow flesh.

Some of you reading this are probably thinking that I should just check my order before I leave a drive thru, or send back orders done wrong. Sending stuff back is dangerous. You get angry glares from waitresses, and the kitchen takes their sweet ass time in fixing their own mistake. As for a drive thru, why should I make the people in line behind me suffer while I dig through a bag that has been stuffed to the brim with my order?

Fast food is hard work. I appreciate the hot, sweaty environment — as long as it doesn’t end up in my food — and the long hours and sheer effort it takes to get me a burger and fries in the drive thru. But when I pay you to serve me my food, HOLD THE DAMN SALAD!