As I cough and hack and wheeze and otherwise feel like complete crap- or bantha poodoo if you’re a Star Wars geek- I feel compelled to discuss something you all should know already.
Wash your damned hands.
Last week, I had the joy of taking my 9 year old daughter around to various local museums and attractions as a treat for Spring Break- at her age she doesn’t need to go to Florida. As we toured such wonderful sites as the Louisville Science Center, I started getting my germaphobe on.
I’m not normally a germaphobe. Heck, I cough and sneeze many times at home without covering my mouth. I often follow the five second rule when a chip, M&M or blood pressure pill drops to my floor. And I like to age my leftovers for as long as a week. But that’s at home.
Last year, Kroger’s grocery stores added this swell new customer service gag- disinfectant wipes by the shopping carts. Yup, now when you start Krogering, you can first wipe down the slimey grip-rail on the shopping carts. Especially nice since Kroger carts often serve as bird poop catchers as they loiter in the parking lot for hours.
But despite the sheer thoughtfulness of Kroger’s, they have made me a germaphobe. Because now, everywhere I go, I look suspiciously at hand rails and other, touchable things with a bit of apprehension, wishing for a disinfectant wipe. I frequently find myself avoiding the use of handrails, and wince when I have to open doors by pulling on handles or doorknobs.
Take the Louisville Science Center, for example.
I know things are tough, financially, for the City of Louisville, but would it hurt to do a little thorough cleaning of the exhibits? I’m talking the kind of down-on-your-hands-and-knees, tooth-brush-polishing cleaning we did in basic training. Cleaning that kills all germs, and erases their memory. Instead of this sub-molecular cleaning, the Science Center radiates a grimey, used dirtiness that is quit repulsive. I sure as heck wouldn’t test the five second rule there. I wouldn’t even eat a sandwich while walking among the exhibits. A drink from a canteen might even be pushing it. Aw, heck, some exhibits look so bad, I secretly wish for a filter mask.
Where does all this filth come from? From people like you. Yes, you- the guys and gals that go to public restrooms and don’t wash their hands after expelling bodily wastes. The folks who hack, cough and sneeze, covering their mouths (thanks) then grab door knobs or handrails (no thanks). You people are disgusting. And inconsiderate.
I can’t tell you the times I’ve been in a public bathroom and have seen a man come out of a stall and walk past the sinks like they were bright pink and covered with doilies. Egads, man! When you’re done dropping loads, you need to wash those hands! And I know it’s relatively easy to avoid urinating on one’s self in the bathroom, but again, when you're done, WASH YOUR DAMNED HANDS!
And this isn’t just a guy thing. I hear from the ladies, too. My co-workers share chatter amongst themselves- a tad too loudly- when they see a fellow female forego some basic hygiene. My wife feels compelled to share with me her own germ sightings. Folks, if your hands aren’t clean enough to lick like they’re covered in the grease from some tasty Kentucky Fried Chicken, they need to be washed!
Why am I harping about this now? Like some angry mother? Well, it’s because I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I’m sick this week is the exposure to every known germ in the Louisville Metropolitan area last week. Movie Theaters, Science Centers, Museums, they all were swarming with happy, never-seen-soap germs, clinging to surfaces you filthy, disgusting soapaphobes touched. Thank goodness my kids, who have to touch everything, didn’t get sick. Unfortunately, neither is old enough to do much more than make me a sandwich or fetch me a blanket.
So when I’m home feeling sick, listening to the wife lamenting she’s sick also (and therefore can’t take care of me), I’ll be thinking of you nasty dastards. Thinking and waiting. Mwuhahahahahahahahaha.
(Note to self, cut back on the cough drops)