Hollywood – Under a cloud of shame, former Vice President Al Gore had to return his Oscar this morning after it was discovered he had his Ford Expedition, one of the largest gas guzzling SUV's on the market, retrofitted with an after-market plugin designed for high output professional hair drying systems.
The illegal automobile enhancement was installed by Cuban and British Nationals in exchange for fabricated testimony in Gore's "controversial" docudrama, An Inconvenient Truth.
The Cubans, who are testifying under condition of anonymity before the Academy Awards Panel and the Screen Actors Guild, said in exchange for the parts they played in An Inconvenient Truth, they installed a coal burning mini-power plant in Gore's SUV in addition to the professional hair dryer retrofit, because the device's immense energy consumption renders the automobile's electrical systems inoperable. "I tried ta tell 'em that we should probably stop with the commercial espresso machine," said one of the Cubans, "but Al just kept whining day after day saying, 'But you don't understand; I promised Tipper. I promised Tipper.' So, in the end, we installed it for 'em."
The salon grade hair dryer which produces heat equivalent to a 100 megaton nuclear blast, is said to be responsible for two major glacial melts and the destruction of some 350 million acres of Arctic habitat in the location where Gore shot the bulk of his film, An Inconvenient Truth.
The film, which makes the case for global warming, was the catalyst for a mostly Democratic congress to enact legislation costing tax-payers some 5 billion annually. Congressional leaders have no plans to repeal the legislation in light of Gore's fraud. "I just feel that a man who has contributed as much to America as Al Gore has, deserves a little leeway," said Senator Hillary Clinton (Dem-NY). "After all he did take the initiative in creating the internet. That kind of ingenuity (sic) the kind which adds so much value to the lives of Americans should be rewarded with gratitude. He made a mistake, lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater."
When asked if she meant to call the former Vice President a baby, Sen. Clinton responded, "It depends on how you define 'baby'; I probably should clarify that when I say 'baby' what I really mean is fetus. This is just a figure of speech first coined by a pro-choice MD who used the phrase as a metaphor for the termination of a pregnancy."
Asked if her use of the metaphor was implying that Gore be terminated, Clinton promptly stopped the interview and referred us to her attorney at large, husband Bill.
Gore could not be reached for comment, but his publicist said Gore only used the British Nationals in the film because Americans believe "if you speak with a British accent and wear a lab coat you must be really smart." His decision to use the Cubans was a pragmatic one; he simply needed the hardware installed on his SUV and he couldn't bribe them to do the work unless he gave them a bit in the film.
Editor's Note: photo courtesy of T.R. Oglodad.