Posts Tagged ‘humor’
Politics for Dummies: Part I
Written by Ron McClure Jr.
Friday, 17 October 2008 02:19
No Comments

Politics is a very complex subject, and requires extensive explanation before full understanding can be achieved. The first step toward total comprehension is to first "identify" and then subsequently "eliminate" all political myths generated over the last 230+ years. Once we can (say it with me) "identify" and "eliminate" these myths you will become much closer to attaining the knowledge and skills necessary to transform yourself into a master politician.

Myth #1: "The founding fathers were common hardworking men that were looking out for common people.”

This is an easy one. The founding fathers may have fought for independence from England under the guise of individual rights and liberties, but it is well documented that they were really just creating jobs for themselves. After establishing the U.S., they all immediately left their farms and plantations to go live off of the taxpayers' money.

Myth #2: "The founding fathers wanted limited government."

Anyone with a fifth grade education can clearly see that the intrusiveness of the British government was exactly what our fore-fathers wanted to emulate here in America. Government regulation was the center-piece of the U.S. Constitution. However, our founding fathers simply wanted to tell everyone how to live their lives instead of the British politicians.

Myth #3: "The founding fathers thought average Americans should be able to own and carry guns."

This one is based on a common misinterpretation of language. The problem stems from the vast difference in dialect. Because of modern syntax, the true meaning is often skewed. When it was written, "the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." "Keep" and "bear Arms" are two separate ideas. A "keep" is the central tower in a castle, which was the domicile of choice in early America. Also, they were merely stating a citizen's right to possess the front limbs of a large Ursoidaen Mammal, or the "bear." Any good liberal university would be quick to point out and correct this classic faux pas.

Myth #4: "Every American should be able to 'reap what they sew.'"

This one is tricky. If you aren't on your toes you can easily be fooled, because some people "sew" more than others. For instance, it would seem that if person "A" saved and invested a large portion of their income, they should be able to "reap" the resulting benefits. And likewise if person "B" spent all of their money on drugs and cars they didn't need, they should accept responsibility for their actions. On the surface, this appears to be a strong argument, however person "B" will inevitably need more drugs and bigger cars over time. And since person "A" has more money, simply taking the "extra" money from person "A" and giving it to person "B" will actually help to make things more even. Plus, there are more "B" type people, which translates into more votes.

Now that we have (say it with me) "identified" and "eliminated" some basic political myths, let's now visit ways we can apply these principles.

1. “Honesty” is crucial, and should always be a top priority. Telling the truth will almost always get you into trouble. So, be sure to avoid the truth as much as possible. In fact, purposely twist your opponents' words to mean something really bad, so as to diminish their credibility.

2. Be very careful “what you say.” Saying the wrong thing can devastate your entire campaign. Remember, take a second to figure out what certain people want to hear, and then simply say that. Your statements can vary depending on whom you are addressing at the time, but always try to be as vague as possible so that at some later point you can effectively claim to have meant something different.

3. “Finger-pointing” is always the best defense. If anything bad happens, simply blame the opposing party and its surrogates for the consequences, even if it is an act of God. Remember to apply 1 and 2 when using this tactic.

4. Finally, “repetition” is your best friend. When applying any of these principles, be sure to reinforce your statements as often as possible. To achieve the greatest efficiency, have many different people saying the same things and often. Sometimes, you may need to do this for a few years to ensure that the majority of Americans will not remember what the truth was in the first place.

Okay, great! We have just launched your political career! Now, you will need to go find an obscure place to “try out” your new skills. I would suggest an area where you can later abate your decisions by simply demeaning your constituents. Good luck, and master these skills so we can move to the next step!

 
Legal blonde stiffs contractor
Written by Santiago
Friday, 10 October 2008 03:36
No Comments

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that “in ONE YEAR these windows [would] pay for themselves!”
“Helllooooo? It’s been a year!” I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 
The OBAMAGEDDON is coming- Are you ready?
Written by Troglodad
Wednesday, 08 October 2008 19:36
9 Comments

Mark my words, dear readers,  Obamageddon is less than a month away. Are you ready?

I know what you’re thinking- that this is just another attempt to dissuade you edjamuhcated libtards so you vote McCain-Palin instead of Osama-Lyin. But it’s not.

Seriously.

I mean, if simple facts can’t change your stubborn-as-a-mule, er- donkey, mindset, what else will?

No, today’s article is looking beyond the campaigns, the muck-raking, the election. Today, I want to talk about the impending Obamageddon that begins on November 4, 2008. I truly care what happens to each of you, and your innocent children (assuming you haven’t aborted them). I want you all to survive, because without Americans, there can’t be an America.

I am a worst-case scenario kind of guy. I like to plan for the worst. I don’t have a bomb shelter in my basement or even a generator out back. But I do keep candles, water and some other survival-type items in my home. I’m not expecting the undead to arise or anything (although they will on election day, and they’ll be voting Democrat). I’m anticipating the very-real threat of storms; loss of power; being unable to drive to the grocery store (assuming it has food to buy). That kind of thing.

But I was just thinking this week that a far more dangerous disaster is looming: Election Day. Let us look to history for a moment. Remember all the ruckus over hanging chads a few years ago? Look back a little further; remember all the ruckus over a pot-smoking speeder getting a King-sized whuppin’ by LA’s finest? And the riots that ensued?

See, I predeict that whether Beezlebarack wins or loses on November 4, 2008, there’s going to be civil unrest. And given recent events like Rodney King and Al Gore’s narrow loss, I think they’re going to be pretty serious.

Now there’s two ways this can play out. It could be a short-lived Opacalypse, or perhaps a truly earth-shattering Ragnabarack. In either instance, we all need to start preparing.

First, let’s look at the lesser catastrophe- Beezelebarack loses the election. I say lesser, because by Christmas all the rioting and anarchy will be over and Martial Law will reign supreme. By mid-2009 life will be restored to normal and the libs can start saving their pennies for Hellary’s run in 2012.

So, how does the Opacalypse start? Right off the bat, when the polls close and McCain is declared the winner, there will be rioting and pillaging like after a soccer match in England. All those inner city thugs who formerly spent their days counting down to welfare check day and their next fix will be whipped up into a tinfoil-hatted frenzy by the conspiracy nuts blogging from their parents’ basements. Cars will be overturned and burned and there’ll be muggings, lynchings, and worse. It won’t be a night for non-African American’s to be out.

The first week after the election won’t be much better, but at least sticking to main streets and public areas will be safe. We’ll all spend a lot of our time watching the police respond to marches (I should copyright the term "Million Mad March") and protests- particularly in large urban areas that were bastions of the Devilcrats. Cancel any plans to go to Chicago, 'cause it won’t be pretty there.

By week two, we’ll all be lamenting how there’s nothing but news on TV. DVD sales and rentals will skyrocket as the sane among us try to avoid the sore losers whining on an hourly basis into any camera they can find. Meanwhile, al Qaida will be pissing their pants in fear and US Forces will enjoy a nice Christmas break from the fighting. Which will of course infuriate the Doveocrats in Congress.

During this short-lived Opacalypse you’ll only need the same basics as you would for a hurricane: food, water, and shelter. Thankfully the severe winter weather won’t have set in so the power outages shouldn’t be more than a nuisance. For those in inner cities, concealment will be the best skill to develop as you’ll want to hide yourselves and your valuables from the roaming Bar-ackians.

Should Beezlebarack win, we’re looking at a far more serious, and longer-lasting Ragnabarack. Fortunately, Ragnabarack will be slower starting, but continue to gain in intensity. Kind of like a clogged toilet.

To begin with, the night of Beezlebarack’s win will be marked by more nights of pillaging from the inner city types who so fervently want someone to represent their interests. Years of imagined oppression will be vented on anything that fits the stereotypical image of "white America." Think Houston Astrodome, but with REALLY angry people.

By day two or three however, the revelers will have run out of steam. They can’t be too mad at this point, as they won. Mainly, there’ll be a lot of posturing on TV. And of course the Devilcrats in Congress will be patting each other on the back and working feverishly into the night to come up with ways to take away our rights and spend all our tax money.

Unfortunately, this will begin the decline of America. For one, foreign countries will think they can do whatever they want, without fear of reprisal. Don’t forget, during the Carter Administration, America was branded the "paper tiger." (I think it would be more fitting to call the Beezlebarack America, the "cardboard panther.")

Terrorism over seas will rise sharply, because of the perception US forces will be withdrawn immediately on Beezlebarack’s coronation. A lot of US troops will then come home for Christmas- in body bags. Meanwhile, Beezlebarack will begin a whirlwind tour of gloating and surrender- I mean, diplomacy- in places like Tehran, Pyongyang, Venezuela and Moscow.

During the month of December, conservatives and Christians will need to begin stocking up on supplies. Come 2009, you won’t be able to buy much in the way of luxuries or essentials, as the US dollar will plummet in value. Those of you living outside the mid-west also ought to consider moving. After all, when America’s enemies begin invading, they’ll start on the coasts.

There will be a great many changes to our way of life in 2009. Far too many to go into at this time. Basically, you need to spend December unregistering as a Republican, stocking up on non-firearm weaponry before it’s taken from you, and hiding all the crosses and bibles in your home.

So in closing, we’ve got a tough year end coming. I know preparing for the worst will cut into your Christmas budget, but really, you need to plan ahead for the inevitable civil unrest and possible socialization of our country in 2009. Stock up on toilet paper, batteries, canned goods and water. The week of November 4th you’ll probably be staying home with your kids- if you have any.