AT&T has been in the news a lot lately. And not in a good light.

For those of you that are tech savvy, you probably are thinking of the iPhone debacle. That’s where Apple and AT&T formed an agreement that iPhones could only be used with AT&T (in the U.S.). If you buy one, it comes "locked" and can only be "unlocked" with an AT&T Sim card.

Interestingly, tech heads out there in the world quickly figured out how to unlock the phones so they could be used with any service. Apple/AT&T got mad and released an "update" that then relocked the phones. The Techheads revolted, and again, they figured out how to unlock the phones. Once more, AT&T/Apple struck, releasing a third update that this time "bricked" the phones- rendered them totally useless, unless you get AT&T to unbrick. Not to be outdone, the techheads then figured out how to revert the phones to the first unpatched versions.

You might also have heard recently of a change in AT&T Yahoo’s user license agreement. It basically says that if you complain too much about AT&T, they reserve the right to deny you service. So, if I had posted this article using AT&T Yahoo, I’d have problems.

In all fairness, I should point out that AT&T isn’t really AT&T. Rather, AT&T Long Distance was bought out by SBC-Ameritech, who then decided to start using the good name of AT&T to trick folks into trusting them. The AT&T corporation is the "holding agent" for at least four divisions; the former Ameritech phone company, AT&T Long distance, the former SBC Communications and Cingular cellular service. Somewhere in there is also the SBC Yahoo internet service provider.

So we’re not dealing with your mom and dad’s AT&T.

The main reason though that I’m venting today about AT&Evil, is their abysmal customer service. I think they may just be worse than the dot-headed Hindus of Dell, or Hewlett Packard’s computer-prompt reading customer service chimps.

Earlier this year, I was having some problems with my home phone. It was kind of staticky, then it just went out completely. I called AT&T and they sent out a tech, who reported that vines growing along the fence line behind my property had damaged the AT&T line running to my utility pole.

Although I’d never heard of this before, a friend of mine who lives across town had the exact same problem several months later- only the vines cut out his DSL service.

After several months of adequate service, I noticed that my DSL connection kept getting dropped. I was repeatedly kicked off Xbox Live, and even my internet connection with my PC seemed slow and also repeatedly failed. At first I thought the problem was due to the wireless router I used to share my DSL line between my PC and Xbox 360. However, bypassing the router and plugging directly into the Siemens MODEM SBC Yahoo had supplied me when I signed up for DSL service did not improve things. On one night, in a less-than-three hour period, my connection was dropped 7 times. I was mad enough to throw my Xbox out the window.

So I called AT&T, and complained. They did the normal Customer Service Chimp routine, reading me troubleshooting tips that sounded remarkably like the ones on the AT&T website. I kept chanting over and over that I had already done the steps, could someone please come out. Finally, the CSC tells me they'll run a check on my line. He comes back and reports there's static on my line, so they'll have to send a tech out.

Guy comes out, checks the box on the back of the house, shows me where the test jack is, and reports that my line seems fine. I point out that my connection speed is half what it used to be. Conveniently, he runs a test and it comes back fine. So he insists that the problem is inside the house and asks to check my modem jack. I let him in, he runs some tests, and again, all seems well. I tell him that my connection problems are sporadic, but it goes right over his head. Finally, he suggests that I might have a problem with my lines in the house- and offers me this little kernal of wisdom:

"The jacks you never use are the ones that give you the most trouble."

Yeah, and this is the sound of my one hand smacking some sense into you…

All remains the norm- periodic drops included- until Monday night. The phone chirps once- like a half-ring- then goes dead. The next morning, I realize the phone is DEAD. KAPUTT. No dial tone.

I go around the house and unplug all the phones and DSL filters. I plug one line back in. Nothing. I check the modem's jack- sure enough, I still have a good DSL connection. Baffling.

At work I call to report the problem. The CS Chimps again start reading me prompts. I keep interrupting, telling them I've done all that. Finally, they agree to send someone out, and that it will take awhile, but they'll have someone out to the house by no later than close of business the next day.

When no one showed up, I unplugged everything this time. I even took apart a couple of jacks to make sure no liquid metal had been inadvertently poured into the jacks. Nope, all clear. I went out back- in the rain- and checked the phone box test port. Nothing. Clearly, the problem wasn't in my house- it was somewhere up the line.

So, after the third night with no phone, I call in again. This time I'm pretty pissed. I get yet another CSC- a sassy one at that- who tells me that as soon as a tech is available, they'll come out. I advise her that the problem is not in my house- that I checked the box out back and there's no dial tone. Did I unplug my DSL? Yes. Did I unplug my computer from the electrical outlet?

?!

Yes, it seems that the CSC thinks that even though no wire connects the PC to the phone lines, electricity could magically fly across the room and enter their system. At that point I could have reached across a counter and strangled someone. I ask for her name and supervisor.

Short wait.

Superviser comes on. I recap the problem, and my efforts, including my test at the phone box- AS THE TECH SHOWED ME TO. I point out that the last thing I want to hear is that I have to unplug my computer from an electrical outlet when it isn't even connected to the phone lines. I also remark on her employee for sounding like a chimp reading prompts off a screen.

I get a half-hearted apology and am assured that first thing in the morning, the supervisor will make sure that someone comes out- that all I should have had to say was that I tested at the box and nothing worked.

Of course, it's 3:15 PM as I start writing this email, and guess what? No phone service.

By 3:25 (I had to stop several times to answer phones at work) I get a call from AT&T, telling me that they'll have someone out tonight no later than 8 PM. I laugh at them and apologize for my skepticism. I am assured that someone will come out. I confirm that this is the number to call when no one shows up.

Ten minutes later, a tech calls to tell me he's on the way.

By 5 PM I’m home from work and have my phone working again. The tech who responded this time explains that it was a problem with the line feeding my house. It was laying on the ground, and–What?! Laying on the ground? The first tech told me he had personally buried it in April. No wonder then that rain and the growth of plants damaged the line. Tech #2 advised that he would get the line buried this time and that should solve my problems.

Alas, my DSL is acting screwy again, with poor connection speeds. Maybe burying my line will help.

And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt…reading prompts from the customer service screen.

Editor's Note: This commentary first appeared in the November 2007 edition of MyVoiceNews.com.