I had just gotten into my car to go home from work when I saw it. There it was beckoning to me, demanding I look — demanding I read, insisting I understand…But then, I didn’t. “Support Troops Not War,” it said. I silently mouthed the words. “Support Troops Not War…. (long pause)….Support Troops Not War?” O.K. so I’m essentially a big dumb animal. Can anyone explain to me how that statement makes sense in a coherent, logical fashion? Support Troops Not War. What exactly does that mean? Let’s break it down, shall we? I’ll make this simple. We’ll just take the first half of the sentence, “Support Troops…” Let’s see, um… “Support” means to promote the interests or cause of, while the word “Troops” is defined as a group of soldiers; a cavalry unit corresponding to an infantry company; armed forces. Now why in heavens name would they be armed?

Forget that question for the moment. How about we break that word, “troops” down a bit further? Part of the definition is “a group of soldiers.” So what is a soldier? Merriam Webster’s dictionary states that a soldier can be “one engaged in military service, especially in the army.” My dad was a career Marine, so he would probably change that last part to, “especially in the Marines.” Anyway, it could be one engaged in military service or as the same dictionary states, “it could be a caste of wingless individuals with large heads and jaws among termites and some ants.” Wait a minute…er..uh…Here’s an idea; how about “Support Ants and Termites Not War”? That makes a lot more sense to me. The only problem is ants and termites sometimes go to war. So we wouldn’t want to support them in that case, would we?

And….what was I saying? Oh yes, “Support Troops.” Troops are soldiers and soldiers go to war. O.K. I’ve got it. I am supposed to support troops. Now the second half of the sentence/slogan/thingy says “Not War” Huh??? I be all confused-N-stuff. So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to support troops and troops go to war, but I’m not supposed to support war? Yet just like the ants they (the troops that is) sometimes go to war. War is their business. War is what they do; that’s why we call them TROOOOOPS! It is by virtue of their function that we call them that. And, it is because of their function that we are supporting them at all. To support something is to promote the interest or cause of. And, the interest or cause of a soldier is to keep the peace. He does so by the use of force in the context of a “just” war. Right?

Unless you define troops as those cutesy little girls called brownies, or maybe those tough resourceful young boys called scouts. Then again, that’s really a stretch because the current political climate dictates the non-support of the Boy Scouts, since they’re so controversial and all. You know, it’s the whole mom and apple pie thing. It’s just a little too wholesome for some people. So I’m positive the “sticker people” are not using “troops” in that sense. No, “troops” as in “soldiers” seems the most likely context.

Before going a bit deeper into the job description of troops, I thought it appropriate to cover the preconditions of troopdom. In this case, what is it that a person must do before becoming a soldier? Do they sing? No, they sign a contract with Uncle Sam in which they promise to protect and defend Old Glory. They promise to give their lives, if necessary, in times of war. Although, I have noticed there’s this little disease going around, where not just a few of our young fighting men have had a vicious attack of selective amnesia. They don’t remember that singing (excuse me) signing on the dotted line of a legally binding contract may mean that you have to actually honor it.

One particularly virtuous young lad actually came home on leave, remembered the fine print of his contract and decided to go AWOL. He was hailed as the hometown hero…by the local media and the brainless nutroots on campus. That took guts…so they said. “Intestinal fortitude” is what my old football coach called it. Yep, it sure takes a lot of guts…to run away from a fight. The way in which he accomplished this feat was rather innovative as well. He decided to be a conscientious objector after the fact. My understanding of this concept is that it is reserved for persons who are conscientious enough not to sign in the first place. “Unconscientious objector” would be a more accurate descriptor I think, for this young man.

Wait, I just realized another alternative. Would it be possible for me to support troops in peace time but not support them in war time? That might be doable. But why on earth would I want to? What are they? Extended family? Long lost relatives? A third world country? No. They’re troops. They aren’t like kids who have left home and are still on the “economic outpatient plan.” They’re a group of individuals who are being paid by you and me to keep the peace, through the use of force, in a time of war. So the whole “not war” part of the slogan is really throwing me.

I know, I’ll ask my father-in-law. He’s the epitome of common sense and moderation. What does it mean Dad? “I think what they mean is to support the individuals, not the war the government mandates them to be in.” Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, now I understand. It was just a vocabulary error. It said, “troops” but what was meant was the “individual” independent of their chosen occupation.

But why are we supporting them if they are just individuals? As if the armed forces are nothing more than a gigantic entitlement program run amok. I can picture the conversation now. I go down to the neighborhood military base and start conducting interviews with the “troops.”

“So soldier, what is it that you do, exactly?”

“Well I, sit around and…sit around, look straight ahead, listen to my colon drain.”

“I thought you were a soldier.”

“Oh, I am.”

“Well, what is it that soldiers do?”

“I shine my shoes, clean the barracks, pick out nifty outfits, and I spend a lot of time cleaning my firearm.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere. You ever fire that thing?”

“Oh no! We never fire it; that might hurt someone. Somebody could get killed.”

“Precisely. That somebody, or someone might be trying to kill you. Ever think of that?”

“No. Not really. Why would I? This place is like an all inclusive resort or something. Life’s too good. That’ll never happen here. And as long as everybody back home supports us, there’s no reason it shouldn’t continue.”

“Well, you’re right there. We support you son, but we don’t support war. And I’ll sleep much better tonight just knowing that when the crap hits the fan you’ll be there to politely ask the enemy to go home because you don’t support it either. Rest assured, they will honor your request.”

Editor's Note: This commentary had its humble beginning here, of all places, some three years ago. It was later reprinted in the editorial section of the now defunct Capitol News, and then picked up by numerous publications such as Frag, Blood-N-Guts, Never Say Die, and that manliest of manly publications, Cry All You Want To Liberal Scum…You're Not Getting Your Mommy!