What in the wide, wide world of sports is a “Ponzi scheme”? I’m glad you asked. No, Ponzi is not that cool guy from Happy Days. But, he is a greasy-haired goombah. He made millions off of ignorant folks with his infamous pyramid scheme in 1920, where he promised ridiculous returns by “supposedly” buying foreign postage vouchers (International reply coupons) at low rates and exchanging them for U.S. postage stamps for profit. Although legal, Ponzi’s problem was that he was just using new investors’ money to pay prior investors’ returns for their contributions. The scheme eventually crumbled (as all pyramid schemes do) and Charles Ponzi, like Bernie “Made-off,” ended up in prison. Good ridance!

So what does Amway have to do with this? One thing I’ve heard my whole life is that Amway is nothing but a pyramid scheme (check out the YouTube video). I thought that Amway had worn out its welcome, but lately, I’ve started seeing TV commercials recruiting people to “own their own business.” Really? How can they still swindle people into buying into this old economic hoax? I have no idea. After years of operating under the alias, “Quixtar North America,” they’ve decided to bring back the old name but with a new hook, “Amway Global.” Woooo! Don’t you want to be a partner in a “global” business? You can sign me up (Kilroy says: NOT).

I was so intrigued by this “new” marketing of an “old” scam, that I searched for and found Amway’s website, where I discovered this pithy little Amway verbiage: “Now, Quixtar North America is making a transition to the Amway Global™ brand to leverage the power of the $6.8-billion business Rich and Jay built” (Rich and Jay are the co-founders of Amway). Leverage? I’ve never heard any good stories about Amway. Most of the stories I’ve heard rival the ones of the Jehovah’s Witness door-to-door recruiting tactic. Why would ANYONE fall for this scam again? Is it the economy? Is economic crisis part of Amway’s latest ploy to lure stupid people into Amway's web of ignorance?

Again, I don’t know. But, if you want to own your own business, Amway is "there for you." All you have to do is sign a registration contract with an existing IBO, which either stands for “Independent Business Owner” or “Ignorant B.S. Operative” (I’m not sure), and you are ready to go. Yeah, [twirling finger in the air] sounds great… I could be my own boss, make my own rules…well, that is after I pay the Amway Global Business Services and Support fee of $50, the IBOAI Support fee of $9, and purchase their Product Intro Pack for a minuscule $78.75. That’s it folks. Just that…and, of course, the lack of guilt for pushing needless crap on your friends and family. They even encourage you to buy a lot of their products so that you “will gain knowledge” of what you’re selling. You know, so you’ll be a better salesperson (man, what philanthropists). If you are a real go-getter, you can even sign new victims…ahem…er, uh…PROSPECTS to sell Amway for you, and you will earn a small commission off what they buy– I mean, sell.

Americans are stupid, but are we this stupid? Must be. Amway is still in business, and they somehow can afford global TV marketing (probably not on Rich and Jay's good looks). As far as I’m concerned, the Amway founders and surrogates should be guests at the same bed-and-breakfast as Mr. Made-off and Mr. Ponzi. But, I guess it’s still not illegal to be a moron in this country. In fact, any good, stupid, mulish American (I don’t mean stubborn) can still run for office…and win, too. Jiminey Christmas! Amway is just the "answer" we need for our current economic crisis — a bunch of people going door-to-door peddling “wonder-pills,” and “make-up” to people that can’t pay their mortgages.

So, when your doorbell rings, and the Ponzi on the other side says, “I’m with Amway,” you say, “No Damn-way!” And tell them to, “Amscray!”